Seven Years of Christmas
by muldy
Summary: 'The message had come from Tuvok, as usual. Tom Paris was up to something, should he follow up on it or would she'. Janeway and Chakotay celebrate Christmas seven times. (J/C)


**A/N : **A huge thank you to Killermanatee for the beta! And Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it :-)

Year One

The message had come from Tuvok, as usual. Tom Paris was up to something, should he follow up on it or would she? Given how uneventful the week had been, and how likely Tuvok was to overreact to whatever the situation was, she had decided it was best if she was the one to ask Tom Paris what was going on.

Stepping into the holodeck she came to a halt.

The walls were covered in fairy lights, a large tree in the centre of the room – a bar to the right and a dance floor to the left.

She felt the corner of her mouth begin to tug into a smile, then pursed her lips to hide it.

'Tom Paris,' she spoke calmly. 'I know you're in here.'

He stepped out from behind the tree, a string of lights in his hand, a surprised look on his face.

'Is it already 1800 hours?' he asked, slightly panicked.

'No,' she replied, folding her arms across her chest. 'Although I don't remember giving you permission to leave the bridge to build a new holoprogram.'

'I know, it was meant to be a surprise, I had Chakotay cover for me,' Tom paused. 'Wait why didn't Chakotay stop you from coming here?'

'Chakotay is doing his job and wasn't on the bridge,' she replied. 'Surprise for what?'

'It's Christmas,' he said simply.

'I thought so. But Lieutenant, Christmas is very 21st century.'

'I just thought that the crew could use something to do,' he said sheepishly. 'Every day out here is the same and I noticed yesterday that it was Christmas Eve today and thought it might be nice…'

'I love it,' she said quietly, letting the smile spread across her lips. 'Do you need help with anything?'

'I was just going to string these lights up on the tree, because it seemed like a fun thing to do, but it's harder than I imagine,' he admitted.

'That I can help with,' she grabbed the other side of the rope lights and started walking around the tree.

They were alerted to the presence of their First Officer by a cough. Both her and Tom looked up from their light hanging to see him standing sheepishly near the entry.

'You failed me, Chakotay,' Tom joked.

'That's Commander to you and I'm pretty sure it was you who failed to hide your scheme from Tuvok,' Chakotay said, taking a few steps closer, letting his eyes shift to his Captain's.

She felt her insides jump a little as their eyes met and for a moment she pictured him, dressed up nicely, leading her onto the dance floor while Christmas music played. It couldn't happen, she knew that, it wasn't right for a Captain and her First Officer to dance, no matter how handsome he was, but something about the light and the open space...

'Lieutenant Paris to the bridge.'

Tuvok's voice floated through the holodeck and Tom's shoulders slumped.

'This is Lieutenant Paris, is it urgent?'

'There appears to be some form of turbulence ahead that we require you to navigate us around.'

Tom looked over at Janeway and she nodded. 'You go, we'll finish up here.'

Sulking, he passed his end of the string of lights to Chakotay. They stood there in silence as Paris slowly left the holodeck, then she looked up at her First Officer, his face only barely lit by the soft lights scattered around.

'He could have just programmed the lights to already be on the tree,' Chakotay commented, walking towards the tree and starting to string the lights around the top part.

She watched him, a slight smile sitting peacefully on his face, his dimples showing.

'I think he wanted the full Christmas experience,' she replied, beginning to put her end of the lights around the bottom of the tree. 'Although to my knowledge, the Paris family never celebrated Christmas.'

'I suspect it might be a little bit of a Tom Paris 20th century obsession moment, rather than an actual family tradition,' Chakotay replied.

'Yes, that I can buy,' she smiled to herself.

Coming around the tree a little too fast she found her head hitting his elbow.

A thousand swear words ran through her head all at once, but instead she took a deep breath and stood up, placing a hand on her head.

'Shit, Captain, I'm sorry…' he reached out, putting a hand on her shoulder. 'Are you okay?'

Did he have to do that?

'I'm fine,' she replied, wincing as she said it. 'It just hurts a little.'

He peeled her hand from the spot where his elbow had hit her head, running a finger along her skull.

'I can't feel a bump,' he said quietly.

He was close, very close, and his scent was suddenly the only thing she could concentrate on, and she wasn't sure if that was safer or more dangerous than concentrating on the fact that both his hands were touching her, softly, caring…

'I'd like to report that you'll live,' he joked, laughing as he dropped the hand from her head back to his side, meeting her eyes.

She tried to laugh but it didn't come out, like something had caught inside her and she was unable to move. Then she watched as the laughter faded from his face and he took a step away, putting a clear gap between them, coughing slightly.

'Sorry, Captain, I'll try not to injure you any further,' he said quietly.

'You better not, or I'll have to throw you in the brig before the Christmas party starts,' she laughed quietly.

He looked at her again and she saw a glint of something in his eyes that she hoped she was only imagining.

'Then I'll do my best not to miss my first Christmas,' he replied, shifting away from her to continue putting lights up.

She watched as he did so, secretly hoping he would continue to glance her way as she did his, but he either had a whole lot more self-control than her or she was imagining things.

It was probably the second.

* * *

Year Two

Kathryn sipped on her champagne as Harry Kim finished his second Christmas Carol, ignoring Tom Paris shouting abuse at him from the front row. She smiled to herself and leaned back against the bar. It had been Ayala's suggestion to add a karaoke segment to their plans for the evening, and while she hadn't been sold on it, so far it had been nothing short of entertaining.

B'Elanna climbed up on stage and grabbed the microphone from Harry as he tried to start a new song.

'Okay, Harry, I think it's someone else's turn,' she teased him, then spoke into the mic. 'Who else wants a turn?'

No one put their hand up and Harry grinned at her.

'No,' she replied, pointing to the stairs at the end of the stage. 'Lieutenant Ayala – where are you? This was your idea, get your ass up here.'

There was a murmur from people in the crowd as someone put there hand out and pointed to Ayala.

'You're not going to get up and sing, Kathryn?'

The voice was closer than she expected, and she turned around to find Chakotay taking a seat on the barstool next to her.

'And miss out on seeing everyone else embarrass themselves?' she laughed. 'No thank you. I'd still like my crew to respect me tomorrow morning.'

'I've heard you sing to yourself, you're not half bad,' he smiled, looking back to where B'Elanna was now dragging Ayala onto the stage and forcing a microphone into his hand.

She smiled to herself as she watched him, he never missed a beat passing her a compliment, even though sometimes she wished he wouldn't. It would make pretending she felt nothing for him a whole lot easier.

Then she frowned.

When had he heard her singing?

He looked back at her to find her face creased in confusion and a soft smile spread across his lips.

'On New Earth,' he said quietly. 'You used to sing to yourself when you were doing gardening or cleaning up.'

Oh.

She felt her heart leap and her stomach drop at the same time and she hoped that her face wasn't reflecting her emotions.

She realised too late that it was when his smile faded and he turned around, looking for the bartender.

'You know that stuff won't actually get you drunk…' she said quietly.

He looked back at her, a glint of mischief in his eyes. 'I know, but it's worth a shot right?'

'Maybe for next year we should save up some of the real stuff,' she joked.

'That could end in disaster,' he laughed. 'Half the people on this ship haven't had real alcohol since we left Earth.'

'You're right,' she replied. 'Then I guess we'll just have to save it up for you and I.'

'Now that sounds like a plan,' he smiled.

They fell back into comfortable silence as Ayala began to sing to a song he clearly didn't know the tune of. She stole a glance at her First Officer again and he looked at her at the same moment. Then to her surprise her reached out and took her hand, squeezing it lightly.

'Merry Christmas, Kathryn,' he said quietly.

She wanted to tell him off, but she couldn't find the strength, and she enjoyed the comfort of someone else's hand. She had been alone for so long, it couldn't hurt just to have a moment in the privacy of low light.

She squeezed his hand back.

'Merry Christmas.'

He let his hand fall from hers and turned back around. 'Where is that bartender?'

She tried to hide the disappointment she felt the cold air replace his warm flesh, the sudden emptiness hitting her deeper than she had thought it would.

* * *

Year Three

She looked up as he placed the glass on the table in front of her.

'Thank you, but I already have a drink,' she indicated her synthehol.

'I thought we had an agreement that this year we were going to drink the real stuff?'

He took a seat next to her, using the back of her chair to steady himself as he sat and placing an unmarked bottle on the table between them.

The involuntary smile began to spread across her lips, then she lowered her voice as she turned back to him. 'Chakotay…we're the commanding officers…'

'Therefore, we deserve it the most…' he smiled.

And as his dimples appeared she lost all will to argue with him, reaching out and taking her glass from the table.

'In that case, cheers to another year,' she held it up.

He tipped his drink to meet hers and then they both took a sip. She felt his eyes on her as she did so and when she looked back at him he glanced away.

Instantly it made her cheeks flush and she did her best to try and push away any thoughts of him that weren't professional.

The problem was, her entire exposure to Christmas before Tom Paris had kidnapped the holodeck two years earlier had been through old novels she had read – and they had usually been of the romantic variety.

Her thoughts wandered back to Mark, on Earth, with her dog. He probably hadn't even given today a second thought – Christmas wasn't widely celebrated on Earth anymore. He was probably at work, at this hour he would be pretending he'd already left the office, while secretly enjoying having quiet time to himself.

She smiled slightly, picturing him that way.

'What were you thinking about just now?'

Chakotay's voice brought her back to reality and she looked over at him. For a moment she considered lying, but she knew there was no point. He would see straight through her lies.

'Mark,' she said quietly.

There was no one else at their table, everyone had hit the dance floor, but she didn't feel like that was something she wanted the rest of the ship knowing she thought about.

'Oh,' Chakotay said quietly. 'You seemed happy.'

'I was just thinking about how he used to work back late because he liked the quiet, and how he's probably doing that right now, blissfully unaware that it's even Christmas,' she explained.

'Him and the rest of the Alpha Quadrant,' Chakotay replied.

She watched as he reached out and grabbed for the bottle, refilling his glass, despite it not being empty yet.

'I wonder if he's moved on,' she said quietly.

'He'd be an idiot if he had.'

His eyes met hers as he said it and she couldn't quite read his emotions until the corner of his lips curled into a sad smile.

'He'd be an idiot if he hadn't,' she whispered, reaching for her drink. 'For all he knows, I'm dead.'

'That would never stop me from hoping,' Chakotay replied, not breaking eye contact for a moment as he said it.

She didn't know how to respond to that, there didn't seem to be any words that were appropriate. So instead she reached out and took his hand, squeezing it lightly, the way he had the year before.

To her surprise he stood up, still holding her hand.

'Dance with me?' he asked softly.

'Chakotay, I…'

'Don't tell me you can't dance, I've seen you,' he smiled.

And there was no way that she could say no to that smile. Reluctantly, she stood up and followed him to the dance floor, concerned that everyone would be watching them. He placed a hand on her hip, then held her other hand up, their palms facing each other, fingers intertwined.

She watched their hands as he began to lead her through the dance.

To anyone else it would look like they were simply dancing, but she knew better. She knew that their palms pressed together, their fingers intertwined, it meant more to them than it should.

'Chakotay…' she said quietly.

Her eyes turned up to meet his gaze, his face lit only by the fairy lights from the nearby tree and she lost all the words she wanted to say at that moment.

'No one's watching, Kathryn,' he whispered. 'But if you want me to walk away I will.'

'No that's…' she paused, taking a deep breath. 'Thank you.'

'For?'

'For being there, no matter what,' she said softly.

'Always,' he whispered, pulling her closer.

* * *

Year Four

'Come in,' she muttered, putting down her book and checking she hadn't split any coffee on her shirt before standing up.

Chakotay entered, dressed in his formal Starfleet uniform, a smile on his face.

'Did I forget something?' she asked.

'Christmas?' he smiled.

She sighed.

That wasn't exactly what she felt like doing at that moment. Heading to a room full of cheery people celebrating a dead holiday just to feel like they had some kind of connection to the place she had taken them all away from.

'Kathryn, is everything all right?' he asked quietly.

'This void, it's getting to me,' she replied. 'It just makes everything seem absolutely hopeless and bleak.'

'That's why Neelix made sure this Christmas the celebrations were bigger and brighter than they have been for the last three years!'

He was trying to be cheery but he knew something was wrong. She hated that, she hated that he could see it – although she'd been so unsubtle in her misery that she was sure the entire crew knew.

'Then it's probably best I don't go, Chakotay. Let the crew have fun without me, that's how it should be,' she replied, turning from him and walking back towards her book.

'Kathryn, the crew want you there,' he replied.

'No, they only think they want me there,' she shot back.

'I want you there.'

There it was, the expected subtle, yet entirely unsubtle suggestion at his feelings for her. The ones that she just wished would go away, that were getting harder and harder to ignore – particularly when all she wanted was someone to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay.

She turned to look at the man she knew would offer to do that for her in an instant and it broke her heart to know she couldn't ask.

For only an instant their eyes met and he seemed to understand.

He took three swift steps towards her and put his arms around her, pulling her in towards him. The familiar scent surrounded her and she felt the tears prick at the back of her eyes.

They stood there for a long moment before he stepped back.

'Kathryn, anything you need, you can tell me, you know that right? Anything,' he said quietly.

She nodded silently, knowing if she said anything the tears were going to start flowing.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out an antique chronometer.

'I meant to give this to you for your birthday, but I never found the right moment, so I thought I would save it for Christmas,' he said quietly, holding it out.

'Oh Chakotay, it's beautiful…' she whispered.

'Nineteenth century, mechanical movement. It's a replica of the chronometer worn by Captain Cray of the British Navy, His ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific. Everyone back in England thought they were killed, but eight months later Cray sailed his ship into London harbour. There wasn't much left of it, a few planks, half a sail, but he got his crew home.'

She felt her heart swell as he spoke. How long had he spent thinking about this gift?

No words came, but the tears did.

'Oh Kathryn, I'm sorry, I thought it would help make you feel better…'

'It does,' she said quietly. 'It really does, but Chakotay I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you.'

For a few moments he simply stood in front of her, watching as she held the chronometer. She could feel his hesitation, how unsure he was on how to respond, but she was frozen in her place.

'If you don't want to come to the celebration, that's fine,' he said quietly. 'But let me stay here with you. I'm worried about you.'

Every part of her, that she had felt falling away, breaking to pieces since they had entered the void and the dark depression had started taking over, seemed to freeze in their place and begin to stick back together. Not enough to fix the situation, but just enough for her to smile for a moment.

As she looked up at him she knew she couldn't ask him to be that person for her, that if she put all of her fears and worries and anger on him that she either risked losing him or never being able to let him go.

And neither of those were options.

'No, you go and enjoy Christmas,' she said quietly. 'One of us should be there.'

He reached out and lightly cupped her face with his hand, slowly brushing his thumb over her cheek.

'If you need me, when you need me, I'm here, know that,' he said quietly. 'Captain Cray didn't get his ship home on his own.'

She reached up and pressed her hand against his, hating that the tears were flowing freely from her eyes again.

'Merry Christmas, Chakotay,' she said quietly, hoping that would be enough to get him to leave.

And for an instant his eyes travelled to her lips before dropping to the ground as he stepped away from her.

'Merry Christmas, Kathryn,' he replied.

And with that he was gone from her quarters.

Climbing back into her chair she forgot what she had been reading, holding the chronometer in her hand tightly and watching out the window at the darkness.

She would find a way through this, but it was going to take her time.

For now she just needed to be alone.

When she woke in the morning she was still in her chair, chronometer in hand. Someone had put a blanket over her, and on the table nearby was a mini Christmas tree, fairy lights looking back at her, and half a bottle of wine.

The real stuff.

She knew the gesture was meant to make her feel better, but all it did was break her heart a little more.

She didn't leave her quarters that day.

Or the next.

* * *

Year Five

It took her half the night to realise that the extreme happiness she felt wasn't coming from inside her, but from whatever it was they were serving at the bar. Narrowing her eyes at the glass in front of her she took another sip, for the first time all night actually wondering what it was.

She scanned the room and found Chakotay, laughing about something to Tuvok, who seemed less than amused.

Oh yeah.

Something was in the drinks.

She rushed to Chakotay's side and slipped her arm through his, pulling him away from Tuvok, who seemed relieved.

'Excuse us, Tuvok,' she slurred.

Yes, her words were definitely slurred.

She held her drink up to Chakotay.

'Smell this,' she demanded.

He smelled the glass. 'Smells good to me!'

'Everyone here is drunk, Chakotay,' she could feel the panic rising as she looked around.

'They seem pretty happy to me,' he offered. 'Although they may all regret it tomorrow.'

She tilted her head and narrowed her eyes at him. 'Did you know this was real alcohol?'

'Not when I started drinking it, but I figured it out about half an hour ago…Kathryn, it's fine, the Doctor can sober us all up in an instant if need be,' he reached out and touched her arm lightly.

'This was Tom Paris' idea wasn't it?' she glanced around, looking for her pilot.

'Kathryn…'

Chakotay reached out and pulled her face back around to look at him.

'Yes?' she replied.

'Enjoy it,' he said quietly. 'We'll deal with Tom Paris in the morning.'

Taking a deep breath she tried to relax into the now-unfamiliar feeling of intoxication. It wasn't that bad, in fact her muscles felt fantastic, relaxed almost.

'I'm glad you're here this year,' he said quietly.

And that's why she couldn't be intoxicated around him, it was far too difficult for her not to grab him by his jacket collar and pull him in for a kiss right then and there.

Although –

'I'll be back,' she said, looking for Tom Paris again.

'Kathryn, what are you…'

'I'm not telling him off, don't worry,' she said.

Tom had somehow convinced B'Elanna to dance with him and for a moment Kathryn smiled to herself. They were so happy and she was both glad for them and jealous beyond all reason of their relationship.

'Captain, everything okay?' B'Elanna asked.

Tom jumped at the mention of her name and looked up.

'I swear, it was Harry…' he said quickly.

'That's a problem for tomorrow,' Kathryn stated. 'But, for now, I have a question, out of curiosity….did you hang any mistletoe in here?'

'Mistletoe? Who are you planning to kiss? Is it Chakotay?' Tom asked.

She hesitated for a moment, wondering if it was better to chastise him for asking, or ignore the comment all together.

'Since someone spiked the drinks I'd like to remove it before it causes any awkward situations that I have to deal with tomorrow…'

It was an excuse, and she was sure he would see through it, but she wasn't entirely sure she cared at that moment either.

'It's in the corner over there, but don't worry, I doubt anyone here knows what it's for…'

'If anyone makes out and it gets awkward I'm sending them to you for counselling,' she threatened before walking off, smiling to herself as she heard B'Elanna snicker.

She waited until it was just her and Chakotay left in the holodeck. They hadn't spent the night together but the moment Ayala excused himself, Chakotay wandered over to her and took a seat by her side.

'Making up for not attending last year by waiting for the end?' he asked.

'Something like that,' she said quietly, her eyes focused on the colours dancing across the Christmas tree.

He let his eyes follow her gaze and for what could have been ten minutes, they both sat in silence, watching the lights, then she turned to him and held out her hand, standing up.

'Come with me.'

Without question he took her hand and walked with her across the room. It warmed her heart to think that he trusted her without question, no matter the situation.

She knew this was a bad decision, knew that it was against all of the rules she had set for herself – but she felt like last year he had given her such a fantastic gift, and she hadn't even shown up. Plus she could blame anything that happened on her intoxicated state, even if it was already wearing off.

Pulling him directly under the mistletoe she took his hands in hers and looked up at him. He smiled, but confusion was written in his face.

'There's this old Christmas tradition, that if you're caught under the mistletoe with someone, you have to kiss,' she said quietly. 'I don't actually know the reason why, but I've read it in more than one romance novel.'

Amusement tugged at his lips. 'You read romance novels?'

'Our secret,' she said swiftly.

'It's safe with me,' he replied.

'I don't have a gift for you that could possibly equate to the one you gave me last year,' she said quietly. 'But I do have this.'

She released one of his hands to point at the mistletoe above them, looking up at it.

To her surprise his lips were against hers before she could even look back at him, his hands wrapping tightly around her and pulling her in. For a few seconds she froze and then every part of her seemed to melt into him, like this was where she was meant to be, where she belonged.

Wrapping her hands around his neck in an attempt to bring them even closer she focused on his lips lightly caressing hers, on the way his hands gripped the back of her clothing as though afraid she would disappear if he let go, the way his tongue flickered across her lips, toying with the idea of pushing for more.

Without waiting for him to make that move she opened her mouth, letting her tongue brushed against his, running a hand through his short hair at the back of his head, unable to get close enough to him.

And then he stepped back.

'Kathryn, I can't…' he said quietly. 'Not for one night. This has to be forever or not at all.'

'I can't give you forever,' she whispered. 'Not now.'

'I know,' he replied.

For the longest moment they stood, staring at each other, the longing of everything that wasn't between them hanging in the air as the lights flickered around them.

'Computer end program,' she said eventually, the harsh light of the holodeck bringing them back to normality.

They left the holodeck in silence, walking side by side back to their quarters.

She paused as they reached his.

'I'm sorry,' she finally spoke.

'Don't be,' he replied, looking her in the eye. 'That was the best present anyone has ever given me.'

And she watched as he entered his quarters, the loneliness that surrounded her more prominent than it had ever been.

'Merry Christmas,' she whispered into the empty corridor.

Then she turned and headed for her own quarters.

* * *

Year Six

This year she had made sure Tuvok was in charge of the drinks. She had considered doing it, but after the year before she wasn't entirely sure she could trust anyone – herself included.

She'd also made some changes to the holoprogram.

'I hate snow,' B'Elanna wasn't too impressed.

'It's not even cold,' Tom defended it.

'But I know it should be, therefore I hate it,' B'Elanna shot back, then smiled and took his hand. 'You must agree, Chakotay?'

Chakotay smiled. 'Actually, I think it's nice. Although an outdoor party in the snow seems like an unusual choice.'

He glanced at Kathryn and she shrugged.

'It reminded me of home,' she defended her decision. 'Also I thought it might be nice for Naomi to experience snow. At least the fun parts of it.'

The Doctor was up on stage, singing carol after carol – although Harry had at one point attempted to steal the microphone to sing himself – and everything felt quite relaxed and calm.

It was a nice break from the insanity of the last year.

Chakotay leaned in closer. 'You keep looking at the time, I can see it.'

'I have reports to send through to Starfleet, and I'm exhausted,' she admitted.

'If you'd like I can walk you back to your quarters,' he said. 'I have some work to get done myself.'

She wasn't sure if that was meant to sound like an invitation, but she chose to pretend that it was simply a First Officer doing his job.

'That sounds lovely,' she said, standing up and turning to the others. 'Enjoy the rest of the show, I'll see you in the morning.'

A few complaints later she found herself walking back to her quarters, Chakotay by her side. It felt a little too familiar and the awkward silence hung between them.

'Actually, can I get your opinion on something?' he asked as they reached his quarters.

'Of course,' she replied, following him inside.

She stopped short as she stepped through the door. He had put up his own Christmas tree, and a dinner was laid out on the table. A smile spread across her face.

'Chakotay, what is this?'

'It's Christmas dinner,' he said simply. 'After last year I read some…literature…about Christmas and I thought I would surprise you with a traditional Christmas dinner.'

'Oh Chakotay, it's wonderful,' she said quietly, making her way over to the table.

They both took a seat at the same time and she looked over the candles at him.

'It was my turn to give you a present,' he whispered quietly. 'And I couldn't think of anything.'

'This is perfect,' she said quietly. 'Thank you.'

They settled into a comfortable conversation and it was only when the computer alerted them to it being 0600 hours that they realised they had stayed up all night talking and laughing over dinner.

'Oh dear, I guess I'm going to need a few coffees this morning,' she joked as she stood up to head for the door.

'You're not the only one,' he replied.

'Take the day off, Commander,' she smiled. 'As a thank you.'

Placing a hand lightly on his chest, she looked up at him.

'Maybe next year we'll be celebrating Christmas back on Earth,' he said quietly.

She scoffed and smiled sadly. 'I doubt that, but the thought is nice. The dinner was marvellous.'

'As was the company,' he replied.

Then to her surprise he leaned in and kissed her lightly on the forehead. She let her eyes close as he did so and cherished the few seconds of contact.

'Yes, it was,' she whispered in return as he pulled back.

And with that she headed for her quarters, before they fell back into the hole they had the year before.

She couldn't let that happen again.

* * *

Year Seven

'Is that a Christmas tree?'

Kathryn's mother had seemed confused by her need to put one up in the house, but had gone to bed and left her with the tree and a cup of coffee, curled up in her favourite chair, watching the lights. Strangely it felt like home, like she was back on Voyager.

But there was one thing missing this year.

They had only been back a matter of weeks and everything was still a little bit of a mess.

Not to mention the Seven factor.

She had been trying to ignore how much that had hurt her, and luckily she hadn't really had the time to think about it, but suddenly now, alone on Christmas Eve, it was sinking in that on their yearly night of crossing the line he was with someone else.

There was a light knock at the door.

She frowned, it was far too late for visitors and they weren't using the chime?

Opening the door she found Chakotay standing outside, dressed in casual clothes and a warm jacket, holding a bottle of wine.

'Real snow is a lot colder than the fake stuff,' he muttered.

'What are you doing here?' she asked.

'It's Christmas, and it's your turn to get me a gift so I thought I should probably show up,' he replied. 'If I'm allowed in?'

'Of course,' she stood back and let him into the house. 'Although I didn't have time to get you anything.'

He stopped when he saw the tree, a smile spreading across his face.

'This will do,' he indicated the tree.

They stood in silence for a long moment, and she took her place by his side as they both watched the tree. She wanted to say so many things to him, how she was happy for him, even if it hurt her, that she was glad he had someone, but that the timing sucked. She wanted to thank him for being what got her through almost every day of their trip, and she wanted to tell him that getting out of bed was a whole lot more difficult when his smiling face wasn't waiting for her.

He reached out and took her hand in his, holding it lightly.

She looked up at him in surprise.

'We broke up,' he said simply. 'Straight away when we reached Earth.'

'Oh,' she said quietly. 'I'm sorry.'

'I'm not,' he spoke softly, turning to her as he said it.

'You didn't tell me, it's been months…' she wasn't sure if it was a question or just a comment.

'I didn't know how,' he replied.

She didn't respond, it didn't feel like it needed a verbal response. Instead she squeezed his hand and turned to face him.

'Well I'm glad you're here,' she replied.

'You know, I said that our next Christmas would be on Earth,' he smiled. 'I'm glad it is.'

'Me too.'

The silence that hung after each sentence they spoke to each other was comfortable, quiet and somehow it felt like home.

'I miss Voyager though, I feel like it became my home,' she took his other hand as she said it. 'And I miss you.'

This time when he kissed her there was no question about whether this was forever.

And suddenly everything felt right.

She pulled away for a moment, looking him in the eyes as she smiled.

'Merry Christmas, Chakotay.'

'Merry Christmas.'


End file.
